#012: 10 Ways to Sabotage Your Friendship Search [podcast]


Gary was asking me about friendship and finally got to his real question, “I hate meeting strangers.  I am an introvert.  What would you say to someone like me who isn’t going to reach out to others?”  My answer was, “There is not magic pill that will solve the need for you to reach out first.  Even extroverts struggle at times to make new friends.”  Here is the good news for you.

Introvert or extrovert, we all have the same friend-finding advantage.  Here it is.  Look around you.  There are plenty of people right now that you are in contact with that want your friendship.

by screenpunk

by screenpunk

There are many practical tips that will help you find friends, yet my experience is that the real issues are internal.  You could have the best tips on making friends, yet what you say internally will decide if it moves forward or not.  Below, we list common sabotages to friendships before they even have a chance, and a healthy replacement.  

Here is the list of ways we Sabotage our friendship before they have a chance to start.  The Counter Attack to that Sabotage is provided, so you can kill the wrong and replace it with the right way.

1.  Sabotage: I don’t want to seem pushy by reaching out first.
Counter Attack:  You reach out first.  It is unlikely that someone will reach out to you–we are all waiting.

2.  Sabotage:  Some day in the future, when work, kids, debt, and the remodel is finished, then just like in college, my friends will magically appear.
Counter Attack: Where you are today is the best place to find friends.  You might need them MORE today when things are tough and busy.

3.  Sabotage:  No one is interested in me
Counter Attack: They are interested in you. It just looks like they aren’t interested because they are thinking the same thing, or are afraid to start a friendship.

4.  Sabotage:  Everyone it too busy
Counter Attack: Let others decide if they are too busy.  Quality people will adjust and make time for others.  Those are the type of friends you want.

5.  Sabotage:  Their husband is  odd and that bothers me.
Counter Attack: Get to know him a bit more. Some of my closest friends started out as someone I thought strange and bothered me.

6.  Sabotage:  I am not good enough at ______.
Counter Attack: You can love and care, which is what they really care about.  Our son’s friend came over unexpectedly.  As he saw the mess in the house, he said. “I am glad to see your house is mess like ours.  We always have to clean up before people come over.”  All of us have messes physically and mentally. Join the gang.

7.  Sabotage:  I can’t handle one more thing
Counter Attack: You need to reevaluate your entire life and goals. If there really isn’t room for others, that should be a red flag on your lifestyle.  Research has shown that those with no genuine connections generally have an unhealthy life.

8.  Sabotage: : Making friends takes someone with a different personality than me.
Counter Attack: Each personality type connects in their own way.  Be natural. (In my opinion, introverts have a huge advantage.)

9.  Sabotage: : I’d have to be someone different to be liked.
Counter Attack:  Be You.  The real you is way better than fake you.

10.  Sabotage:  I have tried in the past and been hurt.  It is too painful.
Counter Attack: That is the past and if we only did things that didn’t hurt, we wouldn’t do much.  Additionally, this is generally an over dramatized thought or excuse to avoid others.  The best way to heal from the pain is to forgive and move forward.  I have been hurt so deeply that the world was dark and black for a long time.  I know the power of pain and the victory of forgiveness and reaching out again.

Here is a link to a chart of the Sabotage and Counter Attacks for you to use; circle the ones that you plan to stop and replace with a new story. Sabotage & Counter Attack Chart

Next week, we will share very practical tips on how to look around yourself for those friends.

Which one of the above mental stories, do you think is your most common hindrance to making friends?






  1. Barbara Smith says:

    Great ideas. They make a lot of sense. Also easy to try. Thanks for this podcast.

  2. Yoour way of explaining the whole thing in tthis paragraph is really nice, every one be able to
    effortlessly understand it, Thanks a lot.

  3. Greetings! Very useful advice in this particular post!

    It’s the little changes that make the greatest changes.

    Thanks a lot for sharing!

  4. Mike & Anne told us about your blog! Glad I found it!

    • Kim,
      So glad you found the blog. Andrea and I love doing it together. I imagine you would have some good insights into this topic and how it affects our life. Please pass along any suggestions.


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