#22: 7 Questions to Reveal if You Really Want Friends [Podcast]


Bob said to me, “Man, your story of having no friends and then intentionally makes friends is so inspiring. I don’t have any friends, but sure want them.” My response is always the same, “If you want friends, then go start the process.” The  response is the same, the head drops down, their eyes shift to the side and they same something like, “Well, its different for me.” And they often walk away at this point. My heart aches for Bob and those that say this to me, so I put together these 7 questions to ask yourself.

Once you learn what internally is stopping you from starting, you can change it and start. Yahoo!

Questions why I don't make friends

These 7 questions point to the one main questions to answer: Do you believe the risk and investment in friends are worth reward?

Please ask yourself these questions and be honest.

Here be them common belief/excuse and the question to ask yourself: (Yes, I know the grammar be all bad and stuff.)

  1. Belief: I don’t know anyone. Question: Is there really no one in your life that would be your friend? No one?
  2. Belief: My few friends aren’t trust worthy. Question: None of your current friends are trustworthy?
  3. Belief: I have fears about being known. Question: Are you fears real or magnified to give you an excuse?
  4. Belief: No one wants to be my friend or they would have by now. Question: How do you know no one wants to be your friend?
  5. Belief: I simply don’t have the energy to invest in anyone. Question: Why don’t you have energy or time for friends? Are they things you can stop to make time for friends, like less TV or Internet or whatever.
  6. Belief: Once I am finished with this phase of life, I will have time to make friends. Question: Do you really believe that make friends will be easier in the future and why don’t you need friends in this phase of life?
  7. Belief: I will just get hurt by others. Question: Do you really believe that friends intentionally set out to hurt you?


1. I don’t know anyone. Is there really no one in your life that would be your friend? No one?

There are two options:  True or False.  True: If it is true that you really don’t know anyone that could be your great friend, then I suggest that you do some self-analysis about yourself. Are you isolating yourself from others? I would even suggest some professional counseling. False: You know some people that could possibly be your friend. Even if you doubt that they want to be your friend. You have some possibilities. Write down their name.

2. My few friends aren’t trust worthy. None of your current friends are trustworthy?

Often we expect our friends to be the friend we aren’t to them or another way to say this is we expect others to give and give, before we give back to them.  Another key is to realize that there is not a ONE size fits all for friends or that all your friends need to be at the same level. If you expect them all to be deep or playful or whatever, you will get disappointed. Realize people will be themselves. Love that aspect about them. You need Fun friends, Caring Friends, Networked friends, etc. The key is to push for a few deeper friends.

3. I have fears about being known. Are your fears real or magnified to give you an excuse?

Here is a List of Fears:

  • Rejection: They will reject me and I can’t handle being rejected again.
  • Hurt: They will say or do something that will hurt too much. I have too many past hurts that I can’t handle another one.
  • Failure: This relationship will end in failure and it will be ackward when we run into each other.
  • Exposure: My weaknesses will be exposed as we get to know each other.
  • Giving: I feel like am always giving to others and get nothing in return. I feel like a wrung out spounge already. I have nothing to give.
  • Time: I don’t have time to get done the things I want to get done now. Adding friendship will take what little precious time I have.
  • Inadequate: I am inadequate to be a great friend.  This reality will be proven if I try to have a meaningful friendship.
  • Dependency: I attract people that become dependent upon me to provide for them. I need people that are my equal and will pour into me.
  • Effects on me & my kids: What will happen if I find out we have different value or view? I need people that think like me.

Circle your fears on the worksheet provided. Here is the link: Common Fear to start friendships.
Now next to each one ask, why are these fears.  Then ask another why to that one.  Find the root cause. Many people don’t even try to have friendship, because the fear of pain is greater than the benefits of meaningful relationships. The reality is that the benefits outweigh the possible pain.

4. No one wants to be my friend or they would have by now. How do you know no one wants to be your friend?

We assume that others don’t want to be our friend because they aren’t our friend right now. We think they would have called or reached out to me. Yet, we have not reached out  to them. The surest way to kill this is to ask them. I have asked a friend directly, if they wanted to stop being our friend. They were shocked that I would think this. They were just in a very busy season of life. The evidence is overwhelming that people want more friends in their life. If you truly can’t make friends, which has been very, very rare it is something you can change, so they would be your friend. You may need help to be a better friend, yet the only way to get there is to launch into a friendship or get a mentor that will point out what is stopping you.

Another option is to have a mentor or us work with you to identify what is limiting you. Some easy ones to fix are : You talk too much, you don’t return phone calls, you don’t ask them questions about themselves or you expect them to start everything.


You are the only solution to someone’s loneliness. People are dying for you to ask them out for coffee or lunch, so please ask them.

Question: Of the 4 fears listed, which one do you identify with?



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